'I Can See Your Effort. That's Enough for Me': How Parents Can Talk About Marks Without Creating Fear

In most Indian homes, results don’t arrive quietly. They come with WhatsApp messages from relatives, neighbours casually inquiring about grades, and parents replaying their own school days in their heads. Amid all of this, children often pretend they’re fine — even when their stomach is in knots, and their minds are racing.

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Exam results are rarely just about marks. They carry expectation, comparison, pride, fear — and sometimes, silence.

But what if result-day conversations could build confidence instead of pressure?

Every family has its own style of parenting, and with it, its own way of handling success and failure. For Shammi Batra and Om Batra, based in Vasant Kunj, Delhi, and parents to 19-year-old Yog Batra, this realisation came gradually — after they noticed that repeated conversations around marks were beginning to affect their son’s confidence.

Similarly, for Vijayta Humbati and Vikas Humbati, based in Shalimar Bagh, Delhi, whose 15-year-old daughter Mishti Humbati is sensitive about exam performance, the journey has been about balancing ambition with acceptance — especially in a society that thrives on comparison.

When marks became the only topic

“Usually, I feel very anxious while waiting for his result,” Shammi tells The Better India. “If the marks are good, I feel happy and proud. But if they are not as expected, I feel disappointed and upset. It takes me some time to accept it.”

Many parents admit that they are often wired to react a certain way — shaped by how they themselves were raised. Changing that instinct doesn’t happen overnight. It takes awareness, reflection, and sometimes, uncomfortable realisations.

Shammi acknowledges that her visible panic and anxiety were taking a toll on her son. Her emotional honesty is relatable, but what truly made a difference was recognising how her reactions were affecting Yog.

“There was a phase when we constantly talked about marks. I saw that he would become withdrawn and anxious whenever the topic came up. That’s when I realised we were doing more harm than good.”

Her husband, Om, explains the shift that followed: “We made a conscious decision to stop discussing his marks all the time. Instead, we focused more on his effort and overall well-being. After that, he became more relaxed and open.”

The expectations didn’t change — but the emphasis did. And that subtle shift changed the tone of their home.

The words that stay with children

Pressure doesn’t always sound harsh. Sometimes it hides in everyday reactions. Shammi consciously stopped using phrases like:

• “Oh my God, just look at your marks.”
  

• “I told you to study harder.”
  

• “You’ve been wasting your time.”
  

• Comments predicting a bleak future.
  
  

“I realised that even if they came from concern, they sounded critical,” she says. “Instead of motivating him, they increased his anxiety.”

Vijayta shares a similar reflection. She points out that as exams approach, many Indian parents — sometimes consciously, sometimes under social pressure — fall into the habit of comparison, often highlighting weaknesses more than strengths.

For her, the real challenge has been finding balance while keeping her daughter’s mental well-being a priority.

“I tell her she can work harder,” she says about Mishti, “but I understand that comparing her with others is not the right way.”

In comparison, she believes, fear quietly begins to take root.

“There is always competition,” she adds. “But we should not pressure our child by looking at someone else’s child.”

Rethinking ‘failure’

One of the most difficult phases for Shammi came when Yog failed one of his exams.

“It felt devastating. I was fearful about his future. I even felt angry and embarrassed,” she says candidly. “But then I realised my visible disappointment could harm him more.”

That awareness changed her response. “I encouraged him to see it as a second chance, not a permanent setback. Over time, that failure made him more mature and determined. It taught both of us that failure is not something to be ashamed of.”

Failure became something to learn from — not something to hide.

When children are harder on themselves

Sometimes, the child’s disappointment is heavier than the parent’s.

“When he feels low, even if I am not too concerned about the marks, I focus on his emotions first,” Om tells The Better India. “Sometimes I order his favourite food just to lighten the mood.”

For him, the immediate priority is not analysis — it is comfort.

Shammi adds, “I tell him that marks do not define his future. I try to add humour to the conversation so he can smile and not take it too heavily.”

In the Humbati home, reassurance follows a similar approach.

“I talk about the positives,” Vijayta says. “I tell her we are proud of her hard work. Saying ‘we are proud of you’ is something all parents should practice.”

Vikas emphasises that positive conversations at this stage can genuinely lift a child’s spirits. A few encouraging words, he believes, can make them feel seen, valued, and more confident about themselves — even when the results aren’t perfect.

What can parents do differently?

Drawing from both families, here are practical ways to make result-day conversations healthier:

• Pause before reacting

Your first expression sets the emotional tone. Take a breath before responding.

• Separate effort from outcome

Discuss preparation, strategy, and learning — not just the final number.

• Avoid comparisons

Every child has a different pace and capability. Comparison creates insecurity, not improvement.

• Address feelings first

Ask, “How are you feeling?” before discussing what’s next.

• Reinforce unconditional support

Say clearly: “We are proud of your effort.”

• Create small de-stress rituals

In the Batra household, the night before exams means a short walk or ice cream — and no exam talk. That small habit reduces anxiety significantly.

Beyond the report card

There was a phase when Yog felt deeply frustrated despite working hard.

“He became anxious and fearful,” Shammi recalls. “That’s when I realised his mental well-being mattered more than any marks.”

She told him something she now believes every child should hear:
 “I can see your effort. That is enough for me.”

Exam results will always matter. They open doors, create opportunities and make you ready for the future. But what matters more is what children feel when they walk out of the room holding that report card.

Do they feel judged or supported?

Do they feel compared or understood?

Because marks fade. Report cards are folded away. Percentages are eventually replaced by new milestones. But the memory of that conversation — the tone, the words, the expression on a parent’s face stays. Long after the syllabus is forgotten, children remember how home felt on results days, and sometimes, that feeling shapes their confidence far more than any score ever could.