‘I Thought Gentle Parenting Would Spoil My Kids’ — Was I Wrong?

About the author: Stuti Agarwal is a former journalist with over six years of experience in parenting, lifestyle, and travel content. As a mother of two young ones, she brings a grounded and relatable perspective to modern-day parenting in India. Her writing is shaped by personal experience, careful observation, and a deep understanding of the evolving needs of families today. 

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Through her digital presence at @mombae.blogger, Stuti shares practical tips, everyday stories, and thoughtful reflections aimed at supporting parents in making informed, conscious choices. Her content spans topics like child development, family routines, travel with kids, and the emotional journey of motherhood.

The other day, my six-year-old Aarna was carefully shaping her play-dough into a butterfly. When the wings wouldn’t stick, she flung them across the room in frustration. My instinct was to yell at her — “Aarna, stop it right now!” — but I paused.

Instead, I said, “That must be really annoying.” She looked at me, sighed, and started again. Two minutes later, she proudly showed me her butterfly, this time with sturdier wings.

Over the past few years, I’ve been trying to parent differently — to pause, breathe, and listen before reacting.

That, in many ways, is what gentle parenting is all about — not letting kids do whatever they want, but learning to handle any situation with respect and empathy.

Across India, more parents are rethinking the ‘tough love’ they grew up with. UNICEF India’s parenting resources and formative research point to a growing emphasis on responsive, positive parenting and emotional safety at home. 

Indian institutions like NIMHANS are also scaling parent-facing programmes that build emotional literacy and connection. Online communities, including Parent Tribe, Gentle Parenting India, and mombae.blogger now brings these conversations into everyday family life, signalling a shift in how the country is raising its children.

As a mom to two — who are different in their own ways — I’ve learned that gentle parenting isn’t a ‘one-size-fits-all’. It’s about connection, not control. It’s about building trust so they come to us without fear.

This Children’s Day, I believe the best gift we can give our kids is not another toy or treat — but the promise of a safe, respectful home where their voices matter.

How we were raised

Most of us were raised in a time when discipline meant obedience. There was no space to question adults, and ‘because I said so’ was the end of every argument. 

Back then, parents did what they knew best — they loved fiercely, but they also believed fear kept us safe.

I remember how ‘good’ kids were the ones who didn’t talk back, didn’t cry too much, and didn’t make a mess. But as generations passed, many began to wonder — did parents become calmer or just get better at hiding their feelings?

Maternal mental health advocate Shreya Mitra puts it beautifully: “Back then, parents simply followed how they were raised. No one really talked about what shouting, hitting, or shaming does to a child’s developing brain. The idea was that the world is tough, so children must be tougher. But that approach often left deep emotional scars — and homes that didn’t always feel safe. Today, we understand better. We can’t rewrite our childhoods, but we can choose what we carry forward. I still lose patience sometimes, but I always go back and repair. For me, having a calm, obedient child means little if it comes at the cost of our connection.”

What gentle parenting really means

Gentle parenting isn’t about giving kids everything they want. It’s about raising them with respect, empathy, and connection instead of fear.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who popularised the term in her ‘The Gentle Parenting Book’, mentions that “Gentle parenting is about understanding and boundaries. It’s not permissive — it’s calm, kind, and firm.”

Some days, it works. Other days, it doesn’t. But every time I react with calm instead of anger, I feel like I’m teaching my kids how to handle their feelings — not suppress them.

Clinical psychologist Dr Becky Kennedy, known for her ‘Good Inside’ philosophy, says, “The goal isn’t to raise a child who never gets upset, but one who knows they can handle their feelings — because we’ve shown them how.”

That line can change how parents view meltdowns. They’re not personal attacks — they’re emotional workouts.

The shift: From obedience to connection

Trauma-informed parenting coach Rahela Tayyebi shares, “What we once called ‘attention-seeking’ — when a child clings, cries, or just wants to be near you — is actually connection-seeking. It’s not manipulation, it’s communication. They’re saying, ‘I need you.’

Through working with over 2,000 mothers in our workshop Connection Challenge, I’ve seen that even 5–10 minutes of truly being present can transform that bond. When children feel safe and connected, they naturally listen, cooperate, and thrive. 

Gentle parenting isn’t about saying yes to everything. It’s about building trust so kids don’t fear us — they come to us as their safe space.

That idea — that a child acts out because they need connection — flipped a switch in me.

So when my son gets loud or stubborn, I try to ask myself, “What is he trying to tell me?” instead of “How do I make him stop?”

It doesn’t mean I never set boundaries — it means I set them with empathy.

If I say no to more screen time, I still acknowledge, “I know you want to keep watching, it’s a fun show. Let’s plan more time for it tomorrow.”

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being aware.

When should we discipline?

As author Akshya Radhakrishnan writes in her book ‘The Little Human: Let's Walk This Journey Together’: “Not every misstep deserves immediate correction. If we discipline every single behaviour, our words lose weight. Children stop valuing our guidance because it becomes constant background noise. The key is to prioritise — correct behaviours that threaten safety or go against family values, and let go of things that are simply inconvenient. Often, what we label as ‘bad behaviour’ is simply childhood being childhood.”

Her words are a gentle reminder that discipline isn’t about control — it’s about clarity.

What happens when we parent gently

At first, I worried that being gentle might ‘spoil’ or entitle my kids.

But something surprising happened — they began to open up more. They apologised on their own. They shared their feelings without being asked.

As educator and author Janet Lansbury says, “Discipline isn’t something we do to children. It’s something we help them develop within themselves.”

And that’s exactly what I see. When I treat my kids with respect, they mirror that respect back — not just to me, but even to their friends

Experts say this ripple of emotional safety starts at home and extends outward. According to UNICEF India, positive or “emotionally responsive” parenting, which emphasises listening, play and connection, bolsters a child’s self-esteem and supports healthy early development. When parents begin to heal, families change, and those changes help shape how the next generation learns to navigate conflict and build kinder communities.

Of course, gentle parenting isn’t easy. It takes patience, self-regulation, and sometimes, swallowing your own ego. It’s hard to stay calm when your child screams at you in public. But the long-term payoff — emotionally secure, confident, and empathetic kids — is worth it.

The pros and cons

Like any approach, gentle parenting has its pros and challenges. While it builds stronger emotional connection and trust, encourages open communication, and helps children regulate emotions and develop empathy, it is often misunderstood as being ‘too soft.’ It can also be hard to stay consistent if parents are stressed or unsupported.

Parenting expert Dr Ishinna Sadana (PhD, Human Development) explains it with clarity: “Gentle, conscious, or mindful parenting isn’t about pleasing your child or saying yes to everything. It’s about building a real relationship — one rooted in awareness and boundaries. The problem isn’t with gentle parenting, it’s with confused parenting — when we follow half-information and lose clarity. While thinking about the child, we need to be gentler with parents, too. Every parent is trying their best, often under the weight of judgment — from society, schools, even family. It’s hard to be a conscious parent when you’re constantly being watched or criticised. Every parent has a backstory. When we judge them, we take away our chance to help them.”

Even experts like Dr. Becky Kennedy remind us that ‘gentle’ doesn’t mean ‘perfect.’ What matters is repair — coming back to your child after a tough moment and saying, “I’m sorry I shouted earlier. I was frustrated, but it wasn’t your fault.”

Those small moments of honesty teach kids that love isn’t about perfection — it’s about connection.

The generational bridge

Interestingly, many grandparents are also beginning to notice the change. My own mom is sometimes surprised when I let my kids talk back — respectfully. But over time, even she has started to see the difference. They notice how calmly the kids handle disappointment, how freely they express affection, how much lighter the home feels.

As Shreya said, “We can’t undo the past, but we can change what we take forward.”

That, to me, is what parenting evolution looks like — not blame, but balance.

Practical tips for parents

If you’re curious to try gentle parenting, start small:

• Pause before reacting: Take a deep breath before responding to your child’s behaviour. For example: “Okay, let’s take a breath. I’m upset too, but let’s clean this up together.”
  
• Label emotions: Rahela Tayyebi Say, “You seem angry”, or “You’re sad I said no.” It helps kids build emotional vocabulary.
  
• Repair after rupture: If you yell, apologise. It teaches accountability.For example: “I shouldn’t have yelled earlier. I was frus trated, but it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry.”
• Give limited choices: “Do you want to brush teeth before or after your story?” It gives them control within boundaries.
• Be consistent: Boundaries make kids feel safe. They’re not rules against them, they’re structure for them.
  

A Children’s Day reflection

This Children’s Day, as I watch my kids laugh, fight, and make up, I realise what gentle parenting has truly given me — not perfect children, but happy and secure ones. Kids who know they’re loved even when they mess up.

Maybe that’s what this day is really about — celebrating children not for being obedient or impressive, but for simply being themselves.

Because in the end, the most beautiful thing we can offer them isn’t the best school, the fanciest toy, or the perfect life — it’s a home where they feel seen, safe, and understood. That’s the real gift of gentle parenting.

Sources:

UNICEF India’s “Positive Parenting for Every Child” (2024)